What it feels like.

I had a seizure yesterday. And it was a tough one. I was in a new class and all of a sudden it happened. Bummer.

The people in the class were so worried and asked me how it feels like to have a seizure. I realized I’d never explained it in a blogpost so I am going to give it a try.

Right before the seizure I feel dizzy and I experience a bit of pressure on my chest. This only takes half a minute before the actual seizure breaks through. Recently, most of the times my legs start shaking while I am still conscious and takes a couple of seconds before I faint. Than, everything turns black. Sometimes, I can hear and feel a bit while having a seizure. This only lasts a couple of seconds before everything becomes black again.

At the end of the seizure, I wake up and slowly open my eyes. Most of the times to look into multiple pairs of extremely scared eyes. Especially if people see a seizure for the first time. It takes me one or two minutes to get myself together and mostly draw a forced smile upon my face stating; “I am still alive.’ to make sure people know I am OK. But actually, ‘OK’ is an overstatement. My muscles are sore, my brain seems to function 10 times slower than usual and I am so tired I could actually fall asleep on the ground where I just had the seizure. I sit back against a wall and feel what this seizure just did to my body. Even the smallest muscles in my body hurt.

I sit there for a while until I decide it is time to make my way home, with help or without. I feel exhausted but I only have one goal: My bed. Now. I slowly walk through the city and luckily one of my best friends is there with me. It feels like the world around me is moving so fast. People walking, cars driving, kids playing. But I just can not seem to process it. I am glad when finally the bus arrives and drives me to the station where the last challenge awaits before I can go to my bed. Those stairs I need to go up. There is an elavator but it’s not working for a change. I walk up the stairs and people pass by as I struggle to go up. Only one road left before I can go to my bed. When all of a sudden I realize that people look at me wondering why I am walking so slowly. It hits me that these people have no idea that barely 40 minutes ago I was unconscious on the floor shaking my whole body like crazy. I feel so tired that I just want to collapse and lie down on the concrete.

While I am walking the last steps to my door I am thinking what to do when I will indeed collapse. Should I stop a passer-by and put my health declaration in his face? I have to persist and before I can even finish my thoughts there it is. The blue front door of my house. Thank god. I walk through the hall and reach my own door, I open it, lie down in my bed and feel that every nerve in my body is cautious. I close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep…

bambi-thumper

Have a good weekend,

xo Nadine

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2 thoughts on “What it feels like.

  1. Nadine,
    Your blog posting really tugged at our hearts. I, Eric, know personally how you feel. I too also experience those sensations when out in public or at home.

    I Thank God that Millie & I crossed paths when we did. Just like you & Daniel. Both you & I are so blessed to have caring people in our lives. You also have your mother and others too.

    I know we have have some that just don’t understand or want to understand.

    But you, me, and others, must go on and move forward. As difficult as it is.

    We are so proud of you for all you have accomplished.

    Don’t forget, you are a wonderful person and have a purpose. You are a great PNES Advocate in The Netherlands!!!!

    Eric (Opa) & Millie (Oma) Nelson

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