Living on my own

So you are diagnosed with PNES. Well, at least those weird seizures have a name now and help people to understand it a little bit better. But the fact that they can happen any time, anywhere is not a comfortable feeling. Friends and family will always watch you and my worried mother bear always asks: ‘Everthing Ok?’. Of course she is super worried but as a 20 year old it sometimes drives me crazy. I am now at a stage that I can feel most attacks coming and have enough time to go sit on the floor before I fall but that took a lot of time. During the gap year after my senior year of high school I worked 4 days in the supermarket. In the first months I had an attack every day there. Fortunately my boss was very nice and understood that this was the only structure I had in my life at that time. All of my friends went to college and I was stuck in my hometown. I could only dream of going to University the year after and maybe I could even live on my own! The year went by, sooner than I expected and my attacks decreased. In May 2013 I was in New Orleans with my boyfriend and his family when the opportunity of renting a studio in Maastricht came along. I felt super excited but also a bit worried at the same time. I wanted a studio because I would have my own kitchenette and bathroom so that I could use it whenever I needed it and would not be in a house with roommates that party all night long. As PNES patient rest is really important. If I am really tired the chance of an attack increases. But, I would live on my own. On. My. Own. There would be no one that would find me on the floor having an attack. Imagine that it happens in the shower?! My mom used to think. But I wanted it and I was willing to take those risks because if I would chose not to, I would never gain a bit independence. So I decided to rent the place. Everyone was warning me: ‘You are going to feel homesick’ and ‘How are you going to cook after you had an attack?’  But it all turned out fine. I am managing. I still have attacks and take it easy on the days that I need it. I can lay in bed and watch tv without anyone that disturbs me. I love my little house. What I do when I feel really sick? I just take the train to my hometown and within 10 minutes I am knocking on the door of a place called: ‘Hotel mama: always open’.





2 thoughts on “Living on my own

  1. So much more than PNES you are, PNES only comes in at place umpthundred. You are a gifted writer, a hell of a fighter and of course you are one of the loveliest people in the world. Keep up the good spirits Nadine! I like your idea of getting in touch with other people with PNES and exchange tips and tricks. Hope you find your peers and also hope the symposium will bring many insights.

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